I am neither a trained chef nor a foodie; I am just a guy who loves to cook. There is no reason that a lack of training, money, or resources should stand between you and simple, easy, delicious meals. The recipes contained herein are just a few of the reasons I'm fat.
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This has nothing to do with food. Nothing to see here, folks; now move along.
- I hate to admit it, but my mom has pretty good taste in popular culture for a 60 year-old recovering hippie. She is the person who made sure the first records I was exposed to were her old Beatles, Beach Boys, and Black Sabbath records. She is the person who introduced me to Mel Brooks, Woody Allen, Steve Martin, and Bill Cosby when I was little. Now, as an adult, I tell her about books, movies, and television I think she'd enjoy. A few months ago I gave her my Netflix password so she can stream things. This is good, except she can now see everything I watch on Netflix and has taken to watching things like "Dr. Who," "X-Files," "Firefly," and, most recently, "The Guild," the last of which she finished watching this past week. Not surprisingly, her favorite character is the art teacher who, at one point, says, "[I teach] Art. I like to give kids an outlet for their hate and misery."
- Anyway, I'm talking to my mom and she says:
- Mom: Finished watching "The Guild." That Felicia Day is just the cutest thing ever in the history of anything. Does that actually exist?
- Me: Felicia Day? Yeah, I'm pretty sure she's not a hologram.
- Mom: No. Beautiful, slightly nebbish, socially awkward women who haven't figured out how beautiful they are so they're very sweet. Is that a thing, or is it just a comforting but implausible fantasy like Jesus… or Sasquatch?
- Me: I think that exists. Or at least I like to tell myself that exists. Why do you think I'm working in academia?
- Mom: Let's hope. You could always start hanging around the science buildings… nothing sexier than a labcoat on a woman.
- I'm a little creeped out that my mom has the same taste in women that I do. Sheesh.
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Fudge recipe at the bottom; stupid bullshit at the top.
Every June 1st for the last five or six years, I’ve received a phone call I inevitably dread. It’s my friend John’s sister Caitlin asking for the piece of his set of Uilleann bagpipes that I currently have sitting near my turntable for safekeeping. I met John in high school when he and I participated in a production of Brigadoon; I was building sets and he was brought in as the show’s token bagpiper. At the time, he was a slight, painfully shy guy who I might not have noticed, save for the fact that when the orchestra would break during rehearsals, I could hear the unmistakable, dulcet tones of “Dead Skin Mask”– played on bagpipes– echoing down a backstage hallway. If you’re not familiar with bagpipes, a set of Uilleann pipes is pretty cumbersome and comes in many pieces. Before John died in 2004, he specified that individual pieces of his pipes be given to different people so the set was ostensibly useless unless everyone who had a chanter or a drone was back together. She’s collected a few of the pieces over the years, but a few people, including myself, refuse to relinquish theirs.
When John was diagnosed with Cancer in 2003, he was told he had three months to live. In lieu of traditional treatment– all of which would be painful, expensive, and supposedly useless– he dropped out of college, emptied his college fund, and began traveling first around the world and then around the U.S. First parts of Europe and Asia, then (mostly) various music-related pilgrimages around the U.S.
As he grew sicker, it became more difficult to eat and stay upright, and he was always looking for the most calorie-rich foods he could find. He was also predominantly driving around the country in a rented ‘67 Cadillac, so it was also important that any food he was consuming be easy to eat while driving. This fudge fit the bill: it’s very calorie dense, palatable (even if you’re suffering otherwise debilitating nausea and cramps), and can be cut into pieces or frozen. Coincidentally, it can also be made with Cannibutter, which is how batches were always made for him while he was traveling. Perhaps my weirdest memory of living in Thomas Hall was making midnight batches of cannabis-laced batches of this fudge in the basement kitchen and overnighting it to wherever he would be in the next 36 hours.
Now every year on his Birthday, I’ll make a batch and listen to “South of Heaven” while awaiting the inevitable phone call.
You will Need:
If you want this to be “special” fudge, Cannibutter is easy to make, but I’m not bothering to include that recipe here.
4 cups sugar
1 cup milk
1 cup butter
1 teaspoon vanilla
25 marshmallows, large
12 ounces milk chocolate chips
12 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
2 ounces bakers unsweetened chocolate
1 Cup chopped walnuts
1.) Mix sugar, milk, vanilla and butter in a large pan.
2.) Bring to a boil for 2 minutes. Turn off the heat.
3.) Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
4.) Add all chocolate and stir until melted.
5.) Add nuts.
6.) Pour into greased shallow pan.
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Who needs action when you got words?
Trying to simultaneously work out every day and quit smoking. Inevitably, my desire for cigarettes is being replaced with a desire to do pushups or engage in kettlebell-aided yoga. Speaking of yoga, there needs to be something called “fat, ugly yoga” for people who don’t know what they’re doing (yet) and don’t want to be in the same room with people whose abs you can grate cheese on.
You shapely, healthy people can suck it. Of course, I kid. Kinda.
Since I have more time– and fewer 12-hour work days– I’m finally doing more cooking, which mostly means my summer staff has plenty of cookies and fresh bread and bagels in the Writing Center.
Waste not, Want not: Salmon, spinach, and goat cheese eggs:
Holy shitsnacks do I like eggs. While rooting through my refrigerator, I ran across the remnants of some spinach and goat cheese, both of which were about to go bad. Pair those two with the remains of some grilled, blackened salmon and a couple eggs, and you have a delicious breakfast-for-dinner. This should have probably been an omelette, but I’m rather lazy when it comes to last-minute dinners.
You will Need:
2 extra-large eggs
Some salmon (2-4 oz., preferably grilled or smoked)
A handful of raw spinach leaves
Some goat cheese
1,) Mince salmon into fine or bite-sized pieces
2.) Mix salmon and goat cheese and set aside
3.) Chop spinach finely and steam for 4-5 minutes
4.) Drain spinach, squeezing out excess moisture with a paper towel
5.) Fold cooked spinach into salmon and goat cheese mixture
6.) Crack and beat eggs
7.) Began cooking eggs over low-medium heat
8.) Once eggs begin to set, slowly add salmon, spinach, and cheese mixture
9.) Slowly mix ingredients in pan as eggs cook, making sure everything is coated in egg
10.) Cook eggs to desired consistency
Salt and pepper to taste
Spread atop toasted bagel
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![Vegan Espresso Chocolate Chip oatmeal cookies:
I don’t generally go out of my way to make vegan food, but I definitely won’t deny its deliciousness. If it weren’t so time consuming (and occasionally expensive), I would probably make more of a point to cook and eat vegan food. Unfortunately, my knowledge of vegan cooking stems almost exclusively from cooking for a woman I dated who was vegan; as a result, the only vegan recipes I know are for baked goods and mac n’ cheese. Sidenote: vegan mac n’ cheese is fucking delicious. For serious.
ANYWAY, I blew the dust off this recipe in an attempt to help a friend of mine who’s trying to impress a vegan dude. I tried to explain to her how women don’t have to try and/or work nearly this hard, but she’s pretty strong willed and could probably take me in a fight. So… vegan espresso, chocolate, and oatmeal cookies. Sidenote 2: I didn’t know before making this for the first time that vegan chocolate existed. It’s also some of the most delicious chocolate on the planet. If you can find it– or are patient enough to make it yourself– nom that stuff like there’s no tomorrow. And with the espresso, these li’l guys also pack a nice jolt of caffeine.
Ingredients: 1/2 cup nondairy milk [I used soymilk]1/2 cup canola oil2 tablespoons ground flax seeds1/3 cup brown sugar1/2 cup sugar1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract2/3 cups all-purpose flour1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon2 tablespoons instant espresso powder1 tablespoon cocoa powder3/4 teaspoon baking powder1/4 teaspoon salt1 3/4 cups quick-cooking oats [you can also use old-fashioned oats, but you’ll want to grind them in a food processor]3/4 cup vegan chocolate chips [or chunks or… fuck whatever vegan chocolate you can get from your local co-op or Whole Foods]
1.) Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper.2.) In a large bowl, mix together non-dairy milk, oil, flax seeds, brown sugar, sugar, and vanilla until smooth. 3.) Sift in flour, cinnamon, espresso powder, cocoa powder, baking powder, and salt. 4.) Add quick-cooking oats and chocolate chips and stir until all ingredients are moistened.5.) Drop generous tablespoons of dough about 2 inches apart onto baking sheets [Please note this batter is very runny and I spread them out even more so they’d bake up flatter.]. 6.) Bake for 14 minutes [you may need to bake 2-3 minutes longer, depending on your oven and the pan, so watch these closely], until cookies are slightly puffed and the edges appear dry.7.) Let the cookies cool on baking sheets for 5 minutes [I let them sit for 10 minutes to ensure the bottoms were set.], then transfer them to wire racks to cool completely. Store in a loosely covered container.
I have a general rule that I won’t feed something to someone until I’ve made that recipe three times, but these are (hopefully) getting eaten this evening. Take note: that’s how you wingman. Hopefully they are enjoyed.](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4t7mjdrO61qi0ccto1_1280.jpg)
Vegan Espresso Chocolate Chip oatmeal cookies:
I don’t generally go out of my way to make vegan food, but I definitely won’t deny its deliciousness. If it weren’t so time consuming (and occasionally expensive), I would probably make more of a point to cook and eat vegan food. Unfortunately, my knowledge of vegan cooking stems almost exclusively from cooking for a woman I dated who was vegan; as a result, the only vegan recipes I know are for baked goods and mac n’ cheese.
Sidenote: vegan mac n’ cheese is fucking delicious. For serious.
ANYWAY, I blew the dust off this recipe in an attempt to help a friend of mine who’s trying to impress a vegan dude. I tried to explain to her how women don’t have to try and/or work nearly this hard, but she’s pretty strong willed and could probably take me in a fight. So… vegan espresso, chocolate, and oatmeal cookies.
Sidenote 2: I didn’t know before making this for the first time that vegan chocolate existed. It’s also some of the most delicious chocolate on the planet. If you can find it– or are patient enough to make it yourself– nom that stuff like there’s no tomorrow. And with the espresso, these li’l guys also pack a nice jolt of caffeine.
Ingredients:
1/2 cup nondairy milk [I used soymilk]
1/2 cup canola oil
2 tablespoons ground flax seeds
1/3 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2/3 cups all-purpose flour
1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon
2 tablespoons instant espresso powder
1 tablespoon cocoa powder
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 3/4 cups quick-cooking oats [you can also use old-fashioned oats, but you’ll want to grind them in a food processor]
3/4 cup vegan chocolate chips [or chunks or… fuck whatever vegan chocolate you can get from your local co-op or Whole Foods]
1.) Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper.
2.) In a large bowl, mix together non-dairy milk, oil, flax seeds, brown sugar, sugar, and vanilla until smooth.
3.) Sift in flour, cinnamon, espresso powder, cocoa powder, baking powder, and salt.
4.) Add quick-cooking oats and chocolate chips and stir until all ingredients are moistened.
5.) Drop generous tablespoons of dough about 2 inches apart onto baking sheets [Please note this batter is very runny and I spread them out even more so they’d bake up flatter.].
6.) Bake for 14 minutes [you may need to bake 2-3 minutes longer, depending on your oven and the pan, so watch these closely], until cookies are slightly puffed and the edges appear dry.
7.) Let the cookies cool on baking sheets for 5 minutes [I let them sit for 10 minutes to ensure the bottoms were set.], then transfer them to wire racks to cool completely.
Store in a loosely covered container.
I have a general rule that I won’t feed something to someone until I’ve made that recipe three times, but these are (hopefully) getting eaten this evening. Take note: that’s how you wingman. Hopefully they are enjoyed.
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25 "DEEP" Questions. Ask away
- NYC was a weekend of spectacular awesomeness, and I'm hoping to turn the exotic delicacies of the previous few days into some culinary inspiration. In the meantime, however, I'll post this as a placeholder. Though I have relatively few followers, I only know about a dozen of you personally; this might kill some time… and could be interesting. Ask away.
- 1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
- 2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
- 3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?
- 4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
- 5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.
- 6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?
- 7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?
- 8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
- 9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?
- 10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
- 11. Does love = sex?
- 12.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?
- 13.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
- 14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?
- 15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
- 16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?
- 17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why?
- 18.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
- 19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
- 21.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?
- 22. Are you old fashioned?
- 23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
- 24.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
- 25.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
Source: kylegeraghty
“Howling ghost they reappear,/ In mountains that are stacked with fear./ But you’re a king and I’m a lion-heart.”
Completely non-food, non-Facebook-appropriate nonsense:
Getting ready to get the Hell out of Syracuse for the long weekend and spend some time with my brother and a friend I’ve known since kindergarten (who might as well be my brother). My brother is my reverse negative– the Jay to my Silent Bob, as it were– and he annoys the shit out of me sometimes, but it’ll be good to spend some time together. My brother is coming in for a tattoo and I’m using it as an excuse to get out for a bit. I’ve been debating whether I finally want to get my Ralph Steadman bats, but I think that’ll have to wait just a bit longer. And, getting a tattoo along with my brother seems weird… even though it shouldn’t. So all of this means good food, craft beer, maybe a show, at least one museum, and family time.
Sadly, I still can’t convince anyone to go on the Manhattan “Ghostbusters” tour. If I can’t get anyone to go next time I’m in town, I might just go by myself.
Waste not, Want not: Italian “sausage” style tofu made into a grilled sandwich with mozzarella.
Like a redneck grilled cheese made with leftovers.
(Recipe coming soon)
Chicken, peppers, and mushroom skillet.
Easily tossed over pasta, bake into a ‘boli, or eaten on its own.
(Recipe coming soon)
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Panko-encrusted chicken fingers, grilled green beans, and homemade ranch dressing.
Recipes coming soon.
Homemade cheese sauce
You know that smooth, shiny cheese sauce that usually comes in vats at terrible restaurants like Fudruckers? This is a version of that with all the gooey smoothness with none of that plastic-y aftertaste. The version was made with pepperjack to be used on tacos.
Recipe coming soon.
Nothin’ on the Top but a Bucket and a Mop:
Realized the other day that Morning Star tofu is vastly superior to Boca. I’ve just been buying Boca out of habit (and partly price/availability). I’m generally not loyal to brands of brick tofu, though I generally prefer extra firm (which I then freeze and thaw before cooking to add to the “meaty” texture).
If I’m still doin’ it wrong– or you have tofu recommendations– send them my way.
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They Mostly Come at Night. Mostly.
I found out today that a friend of mine has never seen “Alien” or “Aliens.” This aggression will not stand, man. This calls for a double-feature Wednesday night along with (chest bursting) exploding (tofu) meatballs, homemade spinach linguine, scratch vodka sauce, and (alien blood) green velvet cupcakes and butter-cream frosting.
Two random tangents (mostly because I just came back from a lunch that featured too much scotch):
1.) I largely blame ”Alien” star Sigourney Weaver for my taste in women; I still wonder why all women can’t be smart, tough-as-nails, and capable of killing aliens and embodying Zuul.
2.) I just had to buy smaller pants for the second time in the last year. While I’m far more concerned with how I feel– as opposed to numbers on a scale– the clothing that’s most fun to buy are garments that are sizes smaller because your old trousers look like clown pants.
Pictures and recipes coming soon.
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First, watch this clip from “Robot Chicken.”
Things you need to know in order to make the following scenario funny:
1.) My dad is a Viet Nam veteran with an artificial leg and a purple heart who also worked at a maximum security prison for more than 30 years.
2.) Last time I was home, I watched a lot of “Robot Chicken” with my dad; he has a particular fondness for He-Man’s dad, King Randor.
3.) I normally talk to my mom every Sunday, but she’s out of town for the week.
4.) My dad is lucky if he’s able to make a grilled cheese sandwich for himself, so being alone has meant lots of takeout for him.
I check my cell phone and have a message from my dad that is only the following:
“Um, how do I turn on the oven? I hit buttons and it beeps– mocking me. But it doesn’t turn on. I could starve. The cat’s in the cradle and your dad is scared. Well, um, OK. It sounds like you’re working. Yeah, you’re working. Give us a jingle back if you know how the oven works. This is your dad.”
That’s still related to cooking, right?
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